Poor Kim is a teenager with a problem. No, it's not the fact that she looks like she's in her late 20's. And it's not her apparent allergy to wearing clothes (or the fact that her distinctive tan line indicates a love of tube tops). Her mom is a pain in her ass, and her boyfriend has dumped her for a spoiled little rich girl. Oh, and she's flunking out of high school. But after spending a miserable night out with her best friend at the neighborhood "disco" (which resembles nothing more than a dingy bar with some incongruous flashing colored lights), she buys some pot off her local drug dealer and gets high and drunk, at which point she hits upon the perfect solution to her problem. Despite the fact that she's not really that hot (I guess she's almost '70s hot, though she looks nothing like the girl on the movie poster!), Kim decides to use her body to seduce her teachers into giving her A's and take Tony the drug dealer up on his offer to pimp her out to make some extra cash. This naturally means she has to trade in her high-waisted blue jeans for a high-waisted mini-skirt. (Whoever thought high-wasted anything was a good idea?)

What's awesome is that even with the profanity-laced dialogue, blatant drug use and topless boobage, Malibu High gets demure with the sex scenes. When Kim seduces her barely-reluctant teacher, neither of them take off their underpants. At least she won't risk getting pregnant! There's also a great shot of Tony standing outside of his VW bus where a line of hardhat-wearing construction workers are waiting patiently. A guy comes out of the rocking van and the next one jumps in. Kim's not stupid though and since Tony's only giving her 40% of her rate (which is low to begin with), she starts offering some of the guys quick seconds if they pay her secretly in cash. And once she starts rolling in dough, she gets herself some new clothes and a snazzy new convertible. She also gets back some of the attention of her ex-boyfriend, Kevin. There's a great bit in the beginning where Kim says "I thought we had something." To which a bitter Kevin replies "No, Kim, we had a no thing." Awesome. Also awesome is the music cue they use to end a scene "dramatically." It's basically the SCTV station identification music. Seriously.

Kim thinks she's on top of the world, flush with cash and passing all her classes, but things get even better once Lance enters her life. See, Lance offers her a better cut and a higher rate with a better class of clientele. This works out great for Kim until she is assaulted by one of her bondage-happy clients, and she ends up stabbing him to death in self-defense. Lance promises to cover it up and protect her, and Kim is surprised to realize that taking another human life didn't bother her as much as she'd thought it would. Impressed, Lance decides to turn Kim from a hooker to a hitwoman, and her first assignment is to off Tony!

Kim doesn't mind that job one bit, and when the mostly-deaf principal of her school gets suspicious that she's acing all her classes except for the one with a female teacher (what, she couldn't suck it up and go gay for pay just that once?), she takes note of his weak heart and manages to off the poor old man with just a look at her droopy boobs (seriously, did no one wear bras in the '70s?). What's hilarious is that the whole time she's prostituting herself and killing whoever Lance tells her to, Kim continues going to high school!

Of course, things go south when Lance needs her to do one more hit, which turns out to be the evil and wealthy father of Kevin's new girlfriend Annette. So that, too, isn't too much of a bother for Kim to take care of. She flirts with the dirty old man, then shoots him dead. Unfortunately, as she's walking outside (with the gun in her hands as she unscrews the silencer right on the front lawn — subtle!), the spoiled daughter shows up with Kevin and some friends. Kim pauses for a moment (although it's not clear if the actress was portraying Kim's ambivalence at killing or just trying to remember her direction for the scene), then shoots her dead, too. Kim takes off running as Kevin briefly checks the body before declaring her dead (it was the '70s — people died instantly from the littlest gunshot, and cars also exploded upon any crash more powerful than a fender bender). Kevin gives chase in the most hilariously careful chase scene ever. They're both running down an enormously long staircase down to the beach that has no railings, so they're trying not to fall head over heels to their death. Oh, but the real kicker of the chase scene down the stairs and across the beach is that it's set to the People's Court theme music. You know, "duh duh duh — chickachickachickachicka — duh duh DUH duh duh duh." Awesome.

It ends badly, as all these juvenile-delinquent-turns-to-a-life-of-crime-and-spirals-out-of-control flicks do. Kim was simply too crazy to live. There's only one way these stories can end. But with such crappy acting, ridiculous plot twists and hilariously awful dialogue, Malibu High never has to end because it can be watched over and over and over again. So even if this is the best movie on this DVD set, it's worth the seven bucks all by itself! But if you'd like to see some highlights, somebody on YouTube cut together a 10 minute edit that focuses on the rivalry between Kim and Annette. Sure, you lose the drugging and the prostitution, but you get the "no thing" conversation and the worst stage punch in cinematic history. Plus, you can enjoy the People's Court chase sequence! Fun!