We're still in Moscow, and we're gonna stay here another week. Phil wonders if The Frat Boys can overcome their Speed Bump, then sends the first team, Toni and Dallas, off to their first location, which is a retired submarine. There, they'll search the sub for the sonar room and get their clue from an actor who appeared in The Hunt For Red October. Weird. Oddly, we don't get any departure times for the team. What's that all about? Toni and Dallas are confident that they can maintain their lead, but the Russian cabbies continue their streak of being not too helpful with English-speaking passengers, forcing Dallas to literally draw a submarine with a periscope to help the guy out. Heh. Ken and Tina are off next, and their taxi driver actually has a GPS, which is good, but first they need to know where they're going, and Tina also ends up using Pictionary to communicate. Hilariously, the driver looks like he's just humoring her when he tells her he'll find it, but she's proud of her artistic ability. Nick and Starr take off, and Starr admits she doesn't like it when things don't go her way, and it's hard for her to be calm like Nick. No kidding! They literally run through traffic to cross the street and hail a cab. The Frat Boys are off last, but with no departure times, there's no way of knowing how far behind they are. Some suspicious types might accuse the show of manipulating and bunching teams, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Especially since, for the bulk of the show, The Boys are clearly a distance behind everyone else. The Frat Boys admit they've made a ton of boneheaded moves, but they're hoping for another lucky break to take them into the final three. Toni and Dallas get to the sub, closely followed by Ken, Tina, Nick and Starr. The three teams race through the narrow corridors, and eventually find the guy with the clue. Now they must go to Park Iskusstv, which is also known as the much-easier-to-say Graveyard of Fallen Monuments. Hm. Looks like they're all still standing to me. Their next clue is on the grounds somewhere. These three teams are all neck and neck as they run back to get cabs, but poor Toni is a little out of breath and struggling to keep up. They all seem to get the same cabbies as before, which thrills Ken and Tina, 'cause of the GPS. The Frat Boys get to the sub and get their clue. Hilariously, as they're trying to hail a cab, a giant truck drives by and totally sprays them with a huge sheet of muddy puddle water. Hee! The other three teams aren't doing very well either, all stuck in traffic, and Tina is coughing because their driver is smoking. She wants Ken to ask him to stop, but he's totally not risking his life.

The Frat Boys get a cab and lament that the splashing was typical for them. Starr is starting to freak out in her cab, but the meltdown is avoided when they arrive at the park. Phil explains the Roadblock that will have one team member scouring the various statues and monuments in the park to locate and tally up the ones of Lenin (6) and Stalin (2). To help with identifying, the instructions have included the cyrillic spellings of the names, which are also on the statues' signs. After using the numbers to make the number 62, they head to a bookstore and tell the shopkeeper the number to receive a book. If they guess wrong, they have to wait ten minutes before trying again. Using the book, they have to turn to page 62 to find clues that will direct them to a specific number and street address. Wow. That's complicated. I do wonder, though, how much of that instruction was given away in the clue and how much they had to figure out for themselves. I'm not sure I'd think to turn to page 62 and would waste time leafing through the entire thing. This address is the home of the author of the book they got. Nick takes this Roadblock because he can solve mysteries, and Starr is instructed to head to the final location to wait for him. The Frat Boys get to a park as Nick starts finding statues and differentiating between Stalin and Lenin. Toni and Dallas arrive, but Toni's really tired, so Dallas takes it, even though he knows nothing about either Russian leader. The Frat Boys realize they're at the wrong park, and freak out as we go to commercials. Naturally they assume it's the end of them, so clearly, it's not. I wonder if the producers make them say things like that.

When we return, Dan wonders if they could look like bigger idiots, and I bite my tongue. They get directions to the real park and hop in a cab. Starr waits patiently at the author's address as Nick continues counting. Dallas is also counting, but oddly, they never run into each other. Which I would think means Nick is probably way ahead, but Toni joins Starr as Dallas seriously struggles with figuring out the differences between Lenin and Stalin's facial features. Ken and Tina arrive, and she snaps at him as they put on rain gear. Just then, Nick finishes and takes their cab, delighting in the GPS. In an interview, Nick admits that there's no more alliances and they'll take any advantage. Ken apologizes for being short with her, but Tina is even shorter with him, sending him on ahead while she goes to count. Wow. Somebody gets cranky when they're not in the lead! Ken joins the other two as Dallas thinks he might be figuring it out. Toni interviews that she's not sure her son can remember his education well enough to tell the difference between Lenin and Stalin. And the editors really make it look like he's totally got it backwards. Nick rereads his instructions on the way to the bookstore and when he guesses 62, he gets his book and finds the address in the book. Dallas has six Stalins and three Lenins, which is not only off by one, but backwards, but gets in a cab and heads for the bookstore anyway. On the street, Nick passes Dallas, who totally doesn't see him. Dallas guesses 36, and has to wait ten minutes before trying again. Tina is still counting, and double-checking her guess while Dallas guesses 46 and is wrong again. This is the point where it might make more sense to go back and count again, as long as the park isn't like, 20-30 minutes away. All this waiting is eating up time. Dallas waits again, and Tina gets a cab to the bookstore, trying to decide whether to guess 52 or 62. Nick gets to the author's address and joins up with Starr again. The next clue directs them to Sokol'niky Park where they'll find a woman with a Shetland pony who will give them their next clue. The Frat Boys arrive at the monuments, and Andrew takes it for the team. Tina arrives and Dallas tells her what he's guessed. She goes in to guess 52, and then returns to tell him that she was wrong. In their cab, race fatigue is apparently eating away at Starr's brain because she starts wondering if the woman's pony is a ponytail. Nick points out that it says Shetland pony, which is an animal. Heh. They arrive at the park and quickly find the woman who hands them their clue. Phil explains the Detour, which will send them on a more complicated subway ride that will be faster, or a less complicated bus ride that could take longer. There's lots of crap in there about exchanging items for clues and keys and lockers, but I'm not getting into that nonsense. It is cute to hear Phil pronounce all the Russian locales with such care. Both trips will ultimately send them to the same station where they'll find their next clue.

Nick and Starr opt for the metro, because as a New Yorker, Nick knows subways. Andrew struggles identifying Lenin and Stalin, and ends up finding some guy sitting on a park bench who surprisingly offers to help him. Guess he had nothing better to do this afternoon. It's not like he'd be excited to be on television, because I doubt they run The Amazing Race in Russia. Dallas and Tina pool their information and try to figure out where they both went wrong, but that particular pool is relatively shallow. Dallas' guess comes up first, but 63 is wrong. Tina guesses 62 and is right, and surprisingly, she lets Dallas know it as she takes off. While he waits, Dallas worries he's disappointing his mom. No, that'll come later. The Helpful Russian helps Andrew count all the statues, much to his delight. Dallas hops in a cab to rejoin his mom as Nick and Starr head into the metro station and check the map for their route. It looks super complicated, and you can't read anything 'cause it's all in cyrillic. Dan joins the waiting team members at the address and learns that Nick came and went a while ago. Tina arrives and announces to Toni that she helped Dallas, which upsets Ken. In the cab, she admits it might have been a bad move, but they're still ahead. Ken wants to stop helping people now that they're at the end, and I can't really disagree. In his cab, Dallas doesn't care about being first, he just doesn't want to be eliminated. Oh, poor Dallas. Andrew gets to the bookstore and guesses 61, which means he has to wait. His Friendly Russian looks confused that they were wrong, too. Dallas gets out of his cab and the cameraman helpfully pans over to show the small bag he's left inside. Too late, Dallas realizes he left the bag with their money and passports in the taxi, and fails to chase it down. This is so tragic. Dallas finds his mom and tells her all their stuff is in the cab. Dan tries to stifle a smile as we go to commercials and I hang my head in despair.

Returning from the ads, we rewind a little so Dallas can remind us that he and Toni are pretty much screwed. They can't afford the cab to the next location. Dan hopes Andrew shows up soon so they can take advantage of this stroke of luck. Toni and Dallas start to ask Dan for money, but realize Andrew's got all their cash. Huh. If the other teammate didn't have any money, how did they get to the location? Did the production just drive them there? These are the things I wonder about. Toni and Dallas start begging on the street as Nick and Starr navigate the Russian subway system with ease. With transfers and everything. Impressive. Actually, as a New Yorker, I could probably pull this off, too, but I wouldn't say that with as much confidence as Nick. Ken and Tina head for the park and she kind of jokingly-but-not-really comments that he never gives her any positive reinforcement. Toni and Dallas find out where the park is, and learning that the metro would be cheaper than a cab, opt for that, getting directions and the subway fare from a cute Russian boy. Andrew meets up with Dan, who tells them about Toni and Dallas' crisis and they head off to the park. He says they're only five minutes behind and are hopeful they can make that up as they hop in a cab to get going. Toni and Dallas head into the subway as Ken and Tina find Pony Woman and get their clue. They opt for the buses because they don't want complicated right now. How much you wanna bet they'll find a way to make it complicated anyway? Nick and Starr get their pastry and clue that sends them back onto the subway. Ken and Tina are locating the bus stop as Toni and Dallas get to the park at the same time as The Frat Boys. A footrace for the clue ensues, but The Frat Boys have to stop and do their Speed Bump. Unfortunately, Toni and Dallas don't get their clue either because they didn't take a taxi as instructed. This upsets me not only because it totally screws them, but also because I always assumed that the transportation was forced when they DIDN'T want you to take a cab because it was easier than busses or going on foot. Looking at those subway maps, I think Toni and Dallas should be rewarded for taking the metro instead of riding in a cab! As they head off to retrace their steps, Phil explains that The Frat Boys must now perform a traditional Russian dance. After Dan's disastrous marching attempt, his dancing should be even worse. And it is. Dan is ridiculous. Imagine the worst white-boy dancing you can, and then make it ten times worse. That's a start. Toni and Dallas explain their situation to a couple guys at the park, who help them with directions and some money, which really touches Toni. So they hop on a bus as directed and head back to take a cab. Ken and Tina get on a trolley bus, but the Rattlesnake of Doom would seem to indicate they've made a mistake. The Frat Boys finish their dance out of breath, but are told they sucked and have to do it again.

Nick and Starr emerge from the underground again, and awesomely, she says they have to find the statue of "acrylics" instead of cyrillics. Can you put your hair in a Shetland ponytail while wearing cyrillic nails? Ken and Tina are dismayed to learn that they're not actually riding a trolley bus. Nick and Starr find the old woman and exchange their pastry for a postcard clue. They head back into the subway while Ken and Tina work out that the trolley buses are the ones connected to the wires. Uh, duh. They take a cab back to get the right bus as The Frat Boys dance again. They suck again, but I guess the instructor is as tired of their nonsense as we are and sends them on their way. They go back to the Pony Lady and opt for the trolley buses. Toni and Dallas are back at the writer's address and have just enough money for a cab. I wonder if they had to beg again and they just didn't show us. Ken and Tina run through traffic to get the trolley bus, and she tells him he's going to get her killed, giving us an episode title. The Frat Boys miss one bus, but catch another and are still on their way. Nick and Starr come out of the subway and find the place indicated on their postcard. They locate the clue box easily and are sent to the next Pit Stop at VDNKh Park. Boy am I glad I only have to spell these instead of pronounce them. And spelling them is no picnic! Anyway, it's a lovely park with a beautiful fountain. Nick and Starr get directions and head over on foot where the most delightful old man welcomes them to Moscow. His moustache is huge! Phil congratulates them on yet another first place finish and tells them they've won a trip to the island of Anguilla. It sounds nice enough, but they've won better. This one's all about food. Phil congratulates them on also making it into the final three to race for the million dollars. They're obviously thrilled. Ken and Tina get off their bus and find a key maker. The key is for a storage locker, and they take another bus to the station to find it. The Frat Boys get their key so quickly they seem to get back on the exact same bus to the station. Ken and Tina and The Frat Boys are edited to look like they're right with each other, but we don't see them cross paths. Both teams get their postcard out of the lockers and get on another bus to head for the clue box. Toni and Dallas finally return to the Pony Lady and opt for the bus because that's what they've been riding all afternoon, so they're kind of familiar with them. Even the Pony Lady makes a noise to comment on how far behind they are. That's SO not a good sign. Toni and Dallas ask for directions and get money for the bus from a lovely young woman. They're praying for a miracle as they hop on the bus, but apparently God was busy, or more likely, doesn't care about the outcome of reality TV series. Ken and Tina are seriously struggling to find the clue box as Toni and Dallas get their key and beg for money to the train station. The Frat Boys find the clue box and head for the Pit Stop. Hilariously, Ken and Tina see them and join in the footrace for the mat. Phil even looks surprised as he pronounces The Frat Boys as team number two. Tina is happy for them, but her enthusiasm dims quite a bit when Phil tells them that they didn't pick up that final clue, so they have to go back and find it before he can check them in. Tina doesn't understand, and Phil has to explain as if to a child that she never got the clue that told them to come to the mat, so she has to go back and find it. Haw! I love that they were looking for a clue box and then just totally decided to skip ahead and jump on the mat like that would be okay. There's rules to follow here, guys! Toni and Dallas continue begging for rubles as Ken and Tina continue struggling to find the clue box. I cling to a thin strand of hope as we go to commercials, even though the outcome is already crystal clear.

Ken and Tina really can't find this clue. I don't know what their problem is. I mean, if the Frat Boys could find it, why can't they? Is Tina blinded by rage... literally? Toni and Dallas are still hopeful they can catch up, and they find the train station as Tina finally spots the clue box. They race for the Pit Stop, and this time are officially the third team, and the last in the final race for the million dollar grand prize. Ken and Tina admit that they struggle when they're not getting along, so they have to get along for the final leg if they have any hope of winning. Sadly, Toni and Dallas don't even get to open their locker because a sad Phil emerges from the train station and informs them they've been eliminated. So sad. They didn't even get to the mat. They must have been way behind. Dallas feels terrible he let his mom down by losing their stuff, but she tearfully informs him he shouldn't feel bad. Aw. They both feel like they've bonded with each other, and are proud of each other and loved the experience. Double aw. They totally should've been in the final three and not The Frat Boys. This sucks ass. (I learned later on The Bonnie Hunt Show that in fact, Dallas lost the fanny pack because he had to change his mic and took it off while the production team miked him up. He also took a few different taxis because the first was no good, and by the time he realized he'd lost the fanny pack, that first cab was long gone. He never ran after it. He never had the chance. See what talented editors can do?)

Now comes the smack-talking. Everyone takes their turn boasting about how they're going to win, but I only kind of believe it from Nick and Starr. They're going to have to screw up something awful to not win, they've been so strong throughout. But who knows? The Frat Boys could have some kind of insanely lucky break that gets them to the finish line first. The thing is, the final task is always some kind of brain teaser where they have to remember everything they've done and the countries they've traveled to and stuff, which I can't honestly see The Frat Boys pulling off with any kind of speed. But maybe they'll surprise me. I mean, who would've thought they'd even be in the final three? Not me!