Retrophilia: The Art Of Cycling
retrophilia (ret troh FEE lee uh) n. 1 An intense attraction for things of the past. 2 a weekly series for popsucker wherin the irrepressible Wootini reveals the horrors of the past to the present to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Remember when you were a kid and you got your first bicycle? Did "fun" come as standard equipment with your bike, or did you have to pay extra, like if you wanted a basket or red, white and blue tassels? Either way, I'm not sure that the ad that goes with this tag line would really sell me a bike. Make the jump and see why!
Right. There's a whole bunch of copy down there at the bottom, but first we have to get past the egregious '70s line art. And that's going to take a few minutes. I mean, just look at it! The tag line is not only inside of a bubble with lightning bolts shooting out of its ass, but it's like they couldn't decide on which typeface to use, so they just went with every one that caught their eye. I'm surprised they didn't use a different font for each letter!
Is that supposed to be Mr. Browning in the circle there? If so, I'm assuming he's dead, because if you were alive and running the company, presumably the ad campaign would come across your desk and you'd be able to veto a likeness of yourself that looks like you're made of shiny plastic and melting. And if it's not Mr. Browning, then who the hell is it supposed to be? The father of the two kids on the bikes? Smiling down from his omniscient circle of parental wisdom at how happy he's made his children by buying them Browning bicycles so they can go riding in the woods and experience the wonderment of squirrels?
And the less said about the kids, the better. Forget the fact that compared to the stump and greenery, the perspective has them floating through the air on their Browning bicycles. What about the fact that the girl's front wheel seems to be disappearing behind the boy? And what happened to her right foot? Was it chewed off the last time she went riding in those bell-bottom overalls and they got caught in the chain? At least the boy still has some kind of stump at the end of his right leg...
Okay, let's move on to the copy now. I love how they tout the features of their bikes, like the brakes and the chromed steel rims, but why boast about having a kickstand? I mean, aren't those pretty standard? Isn't that like saying "Our bikes have two wheels!" I also love how they suggest that the parents can only handle three speeds, while your baby sister could maybe deal with five, but you can handle ten because you're awesome. I mean, you have lightning bolts shooting out the back of your head when you ride your Browning bicycle! "The neatest bikes in town!"
Wootini
Posted to Hot Stuff, Retrophilia on 2 February 2009
· Comments (1)
Other stuff like this: advertisement, browning bicycles, seventies, ugly art
Oh, Dear Lord... the longer I stare at it, the less sense it makes. I'm going to have nightmares of Cindy Brady with whiplash, possibly because of whatever is exploding out her peesh, while a disembodied Hank Hill, who looks like he's just been in a propane accident, leers in the background. Maybe the squirrel dropped acid, and this is his perspective.
Yikes!