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Retrophilia: What A Doll!

2010-02-08T21:00:00Z

retrophilia (ret troh FEE lee uh) n. 1 An intense attraction for things of the past. 2 a weekly series for popsucker wherin the irrepressible Wootini reveals the horrors of the past to the present to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Tyra would be so disappointed in this model. She's definitely not "smizing." Actually, she looks completely dead in the eyes. Thing is, it's on purpose, if you can believe that. But one thing you're not going to believe is what this is an ad for. Make the jump and tell me I'm wrong!

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Yes. They're selling a life-size doll. Which, even if you spring for the extra five bucks for the complete package, won't look a thing like this model. And will the blond and brunette wigs look anything like the ones pictured? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess not.

What's creepy is that for all the text about how the Judy Doll has "a human-like softness and feel," this isn't a sex toy. No, this ad was featured in Charlton Comic's Secret Romance #3 from November 1969. "Give your daughter a Judy Doll and she'll be the talk of the neighborhood with the largest doll in town." How disturbing is that? What mother is going to buy her daughter a doll that's supposed to look like this?

Actually, I would give anything to know what the actual Judy Doll looked like. A Google image search turned up the same cheap-ass inflatable sex dolls minus the sex parts, which is what I expect this looked like. Even with a cartoony face, it's still creepy to buy this for your daughter, and I suspect that if you did purchase one of these, your name went on a list somewhere...

Video: Walk With Us

2010-02-08T15:00:00Z

It's not another song parody, but The Midnight Beast is at it again with a ridiculous little musical skit that's still awful funny. These guys are really good, and I look forward to more of these videos. And I've developed a bit of a crush on Ashley. Enjoy!

Retrophilia: You Got The Moves

2010-02-01T21:00:00Z

If you were a kid in the eighties, you probably had a Rubik's Cube, or one of the many spin/rip-offs. Personally, I could never solve the Rubik's Cube, so I much preferred the cylinder one or the pyramid. The pyramid-shaped one was much easier. The snake wasn't so much a puzzle as just something neat to play with. Anyway, I digress. What I've got for you this week is an ad to help make you the fastest Rubik's Cube solver in your school!

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Oh yeah, that's right — "Cube Lube." Seriously.

They claim it's perfect for Rubik's Cubes and other puzzles of its ilk, but then they go on to declare that it's also great for anything with moving parts, like bikes. Which makes me wonder just how many kids got themselves a tube of "Cube Lube" and used it to move something else... if you know what I mean...

"Because until you try it, you just don't know how fast you can go!"

Video: Jedward Gets Iced

2010-01-26T15:00:00Z

If you don't know who Jedward is... well, I can't help you. Suffice it to say that their cheese has made them unlikely celebrities despite their glaring lack of actual talent. At least it's only on the other side of the pond. But this video needs to make the rounds because their performance of "Under Pressure" is so BSC that it demands to be seen by as many eyes as possible.

I just have to wonder if Vanilla Ice thinks this is some kind of mash-up since as you know, that base line is totally different...

Retrophilia: Have A Seat!

2010-01-25T21:00:00Z

Even major corporations had some pretty odd-looking models back in the seventies, but this Morticia look-alike was featured in a rather low-budget ad for a product that couldn't be any cheaper-ass. Trust me. Make the jump and you'll see just how hard they're trying to sell this thing...

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If this is the soft-core chair, I'd love to know what the hard-core chair looks like!

Seriously, though... They've got some face charging $10 for a glorified beach ball.

You've gotta love how they try to make it sound like other chairs are all hard wood and cold steel and dreadfully uncomfortable. So why not get this European design that's "comfortable as a natural woman." What does that even mean? Is it like a giant boob?

I mean, I had a bean bag chair I loved when I was a kid, and I didn't mind that it was vinyl, but inflatable? That seems like it would be bouncy, not comfy.

And who advertised this thing in the New York freakin' Times for $25? Now that's a face!

Video: "Messages"

2010-01-22T15:00:00Z

Okay, so you know that iPod Touch ad with the really catchy song about how "she's got me dancing?" Well, I found out that was by Tommy Sparks, and after being addicted to that tune for a bit, I investigated more of his music. But the song that I became hopelessly addicted to is this song by the band Filthy Dukes, featuring Tommy. It's called "Messages," and it makes me feel like it's 1985 all over again. Seriously. I can't stop listening to it. I'm afraid my iPod is going to stage an intervention any day now. So imagine my delight to find a video on YouTube! And despite the glowy mouth thing, I'll totally have some of whatever he's having. Infect me!

Video: Jay Sean "Down" Parody

2010-01-21T15:00:00Z

The Midnight Beast are at it again. If you liked their "Tik Tok" parody (I do — more than the actual song as it turns out!), check out their take on "Down" by Jay Sean. They also recently released their "Tik Tok" parody on iTunes, and are probably well on their way to a record deal at this point. Enjoy!

Retrophilia: Breakfast Of Champions

2010-01-18T21:00:00Z

Oh sure, this cereal looks harmless enough. I mean, I guess it's a little creepy the way that King Vitamin is leering out at you as if to invite you into his sketchy lair. But aside from that unsavory character, if you make the jump, you'll see what's really wrong with this breakfast treat.

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They claim that King Vitamin is fortified with 100% of your daily requirement of vitamins and iron, but if you look at the fine print there in the copy, it's the daily requirement for adults. Which, judging from this photo, is clearly too much for a small child.

Either that, or King Vitamin is pre-sweetened with crack cocaine.

(And I can't even imagine a time when seven measly cents was actually considered an amount of savings worthy of clipping a coupon to bring to the store!)

Video: Peter Paranormal Activity

2010-01-18T15:00:00Z

I don't know where this student production of Peter Pan was staged, but I would guess this had to be their opening night. And hopefully they were able to work out the kinks before any subsequent performances! Make sure you stay through all the chaos with the set to watch Wendy do her best impression of the chick from Paranormal Activity!

Video: Mayberry Single Ladies

2010-01-15T17:36:54Z

Okay, I know that "Single Ladies" got completely played out thanks to all the idiots lip-syncing and dancing the choreography trying to go viral on the interwebs. But I think it's been long enough now that it might be coming back around to being okay again, so with that, I offer you up this video mash-up. Also, it's brilliant. Please to enjoy!

Popsucker: Getting The Boot

2010-01-11T21:00:00Z

You can already tell even from this cropped thumbnail that this guy is from the seventies. The hair's a dead giveaway. Of course, as always, there's no telling what you're gonna get when you click the link below to see the entire ad! Let's just say that it's what you might call false advertising...

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Sorry, but if I'm gonna judge this guy by his boots, I'm gonna say that there's no way in hell that he's in bed with a naked woman. Unless they're hers and he's decided that after a night in bed that he prefers her boots to her!

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Video: Proof The Muppets Are Awesome

2010-01-07T15:00:00Z

In case you actually needed more proof that the Muppets are all kinds of awesome, I present to you this outtake from Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. While waiting for the next setup to be completed, Jimmy and his Muppet pals are just killing time when things get interesting. People breaking into song + Muppets = Gold.

Strangest Gayest Thing I Saw Today

2010-01-06T15:30:00Z

I actually feel gayer after watching this. The lyrics are in the corner if you feel like singing along! (But why are they singing about dirty eyed girls?)

Retrophilia: The Hounds Of Hell

2010-01-04T21:00:00Z

David Bowie made a career out of transforming his image from one extreme to another, but I have to say that in 1974, he may have gone a little too far for my taste. Because at least even his weirdest androgynous looks could still be somewhat attractive, while what you're going to find after the jump is anything but!

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I understand that they're selling his new album, Diamond Dogs, but couldn't they have just had Bowie surrounded by cute puppies or something?

Because this here is the stuff of nightmares!

Video: Battlestar Rhapsody

2009-12-30T00:00:00Z

If you're a Queen fan, this might be a wee bit painful to listen to, but if you're a Battlestar Galactica fan, you're gonna love it. I still love the Muppet version above all others, but this is fantastic and brilliant and clever and... oh, just watch it, already!