PopSucker.net

Retrophilia: Pretty Boys

2010-03-15T20:00:00Z

retrophilia (ret troh FEE lee uh) n. 1 An intense attraction for things of the past. 2 a weekly series for popsucker wherin the irrepressible Wootini reveals the horrors of the past to the present to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

This is what you might call a handsome man. Borderline pretty, if you ask me. The heavy lids, the pouty lips... It's all a bit much. What's he selling? Make the jump and see!

]]>

I would bet you anything that the other guy is probably using the L.B. Butch Wax, and even with the crew cut, looks even more feminine than the other guy!

I always thought the '50s were all about being manly men, so is this ad just a bit of a misstep? Or were they going for a whole new audience? Keep in mind the text does claim that L.B. is a "campus favorite for guys... and gals!" The ellipses indicate the gals are an afterthought, really. I'm convinced that L.B. Laboratories was a trailblazer in marketing towards the affluent gay man. Just a theory!

Video: Ben Linus Is In Charge Of A Prison

2010-03-12T14:00:00Z

Yeah, that's Lost's Michael Emerson in this clip from a 1992 prison training video. There's a whole lot of early '90s hair going on here, but am I wrong in thinking that he looks a little bit cute? Even with the crazy eyes?

Video: "You Belong With Me"... The Alternative Version

2010-03-09T15:00:00Z

I can't stand Taylor Swift, but if I have to listen to her music, this is the kind of video I want to watch along with it. Props to the effort they went to in recreating the video for "You Belong With Me" all the way down to the hideously awful handwritten T-shirt! And the boys are super cute!

Retrophilia: Recipe For Distaster

2010-03-08T21:00:00Z

Okay, first things first — I totally had this haircut for most of my elementary school childhood.

But more importantly what is this li'l moppet chowing down on? It looks like a pile of mush, right? Maybe with some rice? Yeah, that's rice. But after the jump, you will find something that should never be done with rice. Ever.

I'm serious.

]]>

It's okay, I'll wait for you to swallow that bit of bile that rose up in your throat when you saw this full photo. Take your time.

I don't understand the point of this, aside from nauseating poor, innocent children. Is rice supposed to be cheaper than making your own actual pizza crust? It's certainly not going to be any healthier once you put hot dogs and cheese all over the top of it. That's right, hot dogs. On pizza. Hot dogs. What's crazy is that the hot dogs aren't even the most egregious part of this horror.

Oh, but if anyone actually tries to make this — the recipe is right there for you to try — please let me know just how gross it is!

Retrophilia: Dirty Shoes

2010-03-01T21:00:00Z

Well, just from this thumbnail, I'm sure you can guess that this week's ad comes to us from the glorious '70s. But these women aren't selling sunglasses, although they're featured in this image. No, in fact, they're selling shoes. Yeah, I'm not really spoiling anything because that's in the title of this entry. No, what you'll find after the jump is the curious way that they've chosen to sell the footwear...

]]>

They pretty much did my job for me. There's not a whole lot I can had to "bareback action!"

I mean, I have to assume they knew what that meant, because if they just innocently used that tagline to promote their line of backless shoes, then... well, they need to get out more.

And hey — leather bareback is only $21.99! (Although I think The Smoothie is probably more my speed!)

Retrophilia: Quit It!

2010-02-22T21:00:00Z

That's right, this kid wants you. No, not to join the Army. Not even to join the Kiss Army. No, this ad, which ran in Defenders #85 in May of 1981 wants you to do something completely different.

And don't even try guessing. Just make the jump. You won't get it in a million years!

]]>

Yeah, for just $2.95, you can help your parents stop smoking! Come on, that's barely three measly dollars. Oh, well, once you add the 30 cents postage and handling, well, then yeah, it's over three dollars. But still! You can stop your parents from smoking and giving themselves lung cancer! (If they haven't already)

Of course, I'm guessing the parents would much rather have nicotine patches than whatever silly little stickers these people want kids to plaster up all over their house. Like Mrs. Phyllis Bocian, 36, really came home and found stickers all over her house and started crying? Probably did, since these things probably leave that annoying gummy residue all over the wallpaper!

It's curious that they don't even give one single example of their clever little stickers, which will apparently make your parents laugh and then quit smoking. It's that easy!

At least they offer you a money-back guarantee so when you parents throw you a beating for ruining the wallpaper, you can at least get your $3.35 back! Back then, that was good for a whole stack of comic books!

Video: Superhero

2010-02-19T18:00:00Z

A friend of mine posted this to Facebook and asked everyone to spread the love, because it's her boyfriend's band. And after watching the video, I have no problem sharing the love, because I honestly do love it! The song is called "Superhero," and it's the first music video by the band Tim and the Space Cadets. Yes, it's geared to a slightly younger audience, but the chorus is super fun, and the whole video is undeniably adorable.

I defy you to watch this and not have a smile on your face by the end!

Retrophilia: Carpet Cleaning

2010-02-15T21:00:00Z

This week, I present to you an ad from the '60s that doesn't really make any sense to me. And I'm not talking about the dress you can see a glimpse of in this clip. No, that's actually wicked fabulous. No, I'm talking about the carpet. Make the jump and you'll see what I mean...

]]>

Yeah. This would look great... in the living room.

It's funny to me that the copy talks about how boring most kitchen carpets are. I've personally never known anyone who had carpet in their kitchen. A small spot rug in front of the sink, maybe, but not wall-to-wall carpeting! Maybe this was a sixties thing?

And I can only imagine that you'd want it to be a very flat carpet so you can mop up all the spills. I don't care how easily Masland claims the spills can be cleaned up. Shag carpeting in the kitchen? Talk about form over function!

But like I said, that dress is fantastic, right?

Video: Strangest Thing I Saw Today...

2010-02-10T01:00:00Z

But to be fair, also the most awesomest thing I saw today.

Charo is a regular guest on Jerry Lewis' telethons, but this has to be one of her greatest performances yet. Yes, she's covering Rhianna's "Please Don't Stop The Music" with her thick, thick accent. It starts out awkward, then takes a turn for the hilarious, but then somehow ends up landing at effing amazing. Seriously. I want a Spanish version of this song. It's fantastic. Also fantastic is the audience interaction, particularly the woman who simply refuses to play along. Jerry's reaction is classic. His reaction to the almost-lap dance is hilarious, but make sure to stay for his jokes at the very end! The guy's a legend for a reason... and so is Charo!

Retrophilia: What A Doll!

2010-02-08T21:00:00Z

Tyra would be so disappointed in this model. She's definitely not "smizing." Actually, she looks completely dead in the eyes. Thing is, it's on purpose, if you can believe that. But one thing you're not going to believe is what this is an ad for. Make the jump and tell me I'm wrong!

]]>

Yes. They're selling a life-size doll. Which, even if you spring for the extra five bucks for the complete package, won't look a thing like this model. And will the blond and brunette wigs look anything like the ones pictured? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess not.

What's creepy is that for all the text about how the Judy Doll has "a human-like softness and feel," this isn't a sex toy. No, this ad was featured in Charlton Comic's Secret Romance #3 from November 1969. "Give your daughter a Judy Doll and she'll be the talk of the neighborhood with the largest doll in town." How disturbing is that? What mother is going to buy her daughter a doll that's supposed to look like this?

Actually, I would give anything to know what the actual Judy Doll looked like. A Google image search turned up the same cheap-ass inflatable sex dolls minus the sex parts, which is what I expect this looked like. Even with a cartoony face, it's still creepy to buy this for your daughter, and I suspect that if you did purchase one of these, your name went on a list somewhere...

Video: Walk With Us

2010-02-08T15:00:00Z

It's not another song parody, but The Midnight Beast is at it again with a ridiculous little musical skit that's still awful funny. These guys are really good, and I look forward to more of these videos. And I've developed a bit of a crush on Ashley. Enjoy!

Retrophilia: You Got The Moves

2010-02-01T21:00:00Z

If you were a kid in the eighties, you probably had a Rubik's Cube, or one of the many spin/rip-offs. Personally, I could never solve the Rubik's Cube, so I much preferred the cylinder one or the pyramid. The pyramid-shaped one was much easier. The snake wasn't so much a puzzle as just something neat to play with. Anyway, I digress. What I've got for you this week is an ad to help make you the fastest Rubik's Cube solver in your school!

]]>

Oh yeah, that's right — "Cube Lube." Seriously.

They claim it's perfect for Rubik's Cubes and other puzzles of its ilk, but then they go on to declare that it's also great for anything with moving parts, like bikes. Which makes me wonder just how many kids got themselves a tube of "Cube Lube" and used it to move something else... if you know what I mean...

"Because until you try it, you just don't know how fast you can go!"

Video: Jedward Gets Iced

2010-01-26T15:00:00Z

If you don't know who Jedward is... well, I can't help you. Suffice it to say that their cheese has made them unlikely celebrities despite their glaring lack of actual talent. At least it's only on the other side of the pond. But this video needs to make the rounds because their performance of "Under Pressure" is so BSC that it demands to be seen by as many eyes as possible.

I just have to wonder if Vanilla Ice thinks this is some kind of mash-up since as you know, that base line is totally different...

Retrophilia: Have A Seat!

2010-01-25T21:00:00Z

Even major corporations had some pretty odd-looking models back in the seventies, but this Morticia look-alike was featured in a rather low-budget ad for a product that couldn't be any cheaper-ass. Trust me. Make the jump and you'll see just how hard they're trying to sell this thing...

]]>

If this is the soft-core chair, I'd love to know what the hard-core chair looks like!

Seriously, though... They've got some face charging $10 for a glorified beach ball.

You've gotta love how they try to make it sound like other chairs are all hard wood and cold steel and dreadfully uncomfortable. So why not get this European design that's "comfortable as a natural woman." What does that even mean? Is it like a giant boob?

I mean, I had a bean bag chair I loved when I was a kid, and I didn't mind that it was vinyl, but inflatable? That seems like it would be bouncy, not comfy.

And who advertised this thing in the New York freakin' Times for $25? Now that's a face!

Video: "Messages"

2010-01-22T15:00:00Z

Okay, so you know that iPod Touch ad with the really catchy song about how "she's got me dancing?" Well, I found out that was by Tommy Sparks, and after being addicted to that tune for a bit, I investigated more of his music. But the song that I became hopelessly addicted to is this song by the band Filthy Dukes, featuring Tommy. It's called "Messages," and it makes me feel like it's 1985 all over again. Seriously. I can't stop listening to it. I'm afraid my iPod is going to stage an intervention any day now. So imagine my delight to find a video on YouTube! And despite the glowy mouth thing, I'll totally have some of whatever he's having. Infect me!